Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
