Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
