come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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