if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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