If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
