Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
