good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
