i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just high enough for therapy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
