I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize