I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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