hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
