Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
