Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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