The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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