Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
