So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I supernannyed him into submission
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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