the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
