I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry about my life...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
