Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
