Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
