Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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