Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
