there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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