i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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