I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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