it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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