My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
