Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
