I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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