Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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