My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
barbara walters just said penis...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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