Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
