we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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