why didn't you poke me back
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize