so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We're too hungover to prance.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm too high and old for this...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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