dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your shirt... Was in my pants
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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