Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
