I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
