I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
