I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You can't just leave with hair like that
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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