I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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