trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You made out with two different species that night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
