Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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