how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
foreskin is a definite game changer
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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