Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
