2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
