Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
40s are totally the cure
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
