There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Couch. On fire.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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