i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize