onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
