Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
