The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
