Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
