I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
